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Alexander's avatar

I tried to read adhd100 site and, sorry, but it feels really bloated with seeimngly low-signal information: info labels, buttons, suggestions, everything is streaming on you distracting from key things. Interface is overloaded with controls and semantic areas. Also, the more I read, the more I feel it was written by an AI, which undermines the whole thing and creates more uncertainty than before my attempt to read it all.

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But I've found something really curious: mindfullness practices were highlighted there as something with no certain outcome or guarantees, yet with seemingly large impact. Personally, I think I have adhd-like mindset and recently I started to study my self with that respect. My guess is that introspection is outside of scientific method by its nature, but that doesn't mean humanity does it for thousands of years for nothing :)

I want to propose a reflective approach to this phenomenon of ADHD-like behavior, which is close to mindfullness practice as I see it.

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For example, before I was going to read your article on ADHD (ironically) I was going to check my e-mail to find something particular in it. Then, your article caught my attention. I *felt* that interesting and gave into it. After several minutes I noticed: "What the hell am I doing? It's half past 3 P. M., and I wasn't planning all that." That brought me back "on time" and I remembered what I wanted to do.

Now, similar impulses do arise pretty often in my life, but they are noticeable and traceable as such, most of the time there is some logic to it. But sometimes it looks like total identification with an impulse, "all in" for the joy of that thought stream. Funny enough, one of my friends decided to not struggle with finding a way to use that feature of his mind and accepted that identity quite literally, saying "dophamine's my second name", that tells something raising certainty in my self-observations.

So it is observable and only if I don't emotionally invest in those observations, do not want to do them - I can go really rampant and have tons fun doing nothing in particular. Which is less and less available the more you become adult.

But also I can tell:

- I don't behave this way everyday. Sometimes I enjoy quite not-so-motivated being, which shows there is a variety of states I can be in.

- Caffeine boosts this behavior by increasing my excitability. And I do like that, which I found truly crucial.

- Goal-oriented behavior is known to me, but there often were quite perceptible obstacles to it. First of all, it was always hard to find a direction into which I will believe firmly and to which I will commit. So it was always easier to walk a path than to climb a mountain, and that tells something about my worldview and values, which, I don't doubt, have formed over time. It is not like I was always struggling to pursuit goals, they just seemed meaningless or loosing their actuality very quickly. That is something one can call short-term benefit orientation, and that may be true, **but it is naturally easier to see what's in front of you than to foresee how tides will change and to stick to ever-ephemeral goal created by your mind**, withstanding all the unexpectancies. Commitment has its toll. But it turned out, the other side of the coin was that I always loved improvization without even noticing that, and at some point in life I even practiced that art for a while. Curious, don't you think?

That being said, I still do believe that in my case it has more to do with value system and mindfullness rather than with purely biological causes, like a way to know my inclinations, why do I give into them and taking responsibility for each choice. And I think, since ADHD is really flooding the Web nowadays, this wasn't as common some tens and hundreds of years ago. Everyone seems to have ADHD now, lol. Actually, discipline wasn't ever easily achievable quality of personality, it was always considered gold.

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To sum up: I gathered a lot of self-observations throughout my life to be skeptic on medical treatment of this behavior. It has a lot to do with orientation on feelings, they way I identify myself with something (especially my own thoughts and the process of thinking), if I am aware of how my attention spreads and where, with my values and what I consider valueable to pursue. To some degree it even seems rather frightening to think that some magic pill will make me better. Maybe it will make me so different I won't feel me myself again. By the way, that experience I had without any pills, just studying math so hard that all thoughts collapsed and my attention span felt so rigid and stable that I felt like I don't have thoughts familiar to me, like it was "unlike me to see the world this way". So I gently brought it back by doing nothing and giving into "unconstrained thinking", after some month or two it came back.

P. S.: I gladly spent some time to write this stuff, although that also was an impulsive act. I do this all life, but somehow it is just a part of me, it comes with a price though, but has its benefits.

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